Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade (Canon Edition)
by LinhardtsDad
Summary: This is the story of how Linhardt's parents, Lyn and Reinhardt meet, and save the world of Sacae from bad men
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Fall of Fridge**

Once upon a time, in a land called Fridge, there was a great hero, REINHARDT! He got all the bitches at Fridge High School, which made this pissed off incel kid called Leif super jealous of him. Reinhardt went on a quest to kill the evil emo, Julius, who sacrificed a bunch of kids to satan.

"Mwahahaha, I'm going to kill all the kids", said Julius.

"No... FUCK OFF!" said Reinhardt, and he punched Julius so hard, his dick fell off.

"Oh my god, I want to have your babies!" said Ishtar, who was Julius's (now ex) girlfriend.

"Ok lol", said Reinhardt, and he was just about to penetrate her with his massive thundercock, when all of a sudden, an arrow pierced his back. It was the faggot, Leif!

"Hahaha, take that Reinhardt!" the incel menace jeered. "I studied all your fighting moves and copied them, so I could be a chad like you. Except I am a high school dropout loser, so I'm too dumb for magic, and used a bow instead."

"Oh no", cried Reinhardt, as he fell into the ocean.

"Now everyone will have to take me seriously, and give me lots of alts in Fire Emblem Heroes!" Leif demanded.

But grieved at the loss of their beloved hero, they just stuffed him back inside the locker where belongs instead.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Reinhardt Lost**

After falling into the ocean, Reinhardt was carried away by the waves. His almighty Dire Thunder had created a powerful storm, and the tides took him far away from Fridge. Not even the lifeguard could save him!

The seawater tried to get in Reinhardt's lungs to kill him, but the lungs just kicked its ass, and told it to fuck off. Eventually, he washed up on a beach on a different continent called Sacae. It was a faraway land that no one from Fridge had ever heard of. A bitch with long green hair and big boobies found Reinhardt, and took him into a tent to rest. He slept there for 17 hours, 51 minutes and 32 seconds, and then woke up.

"Hi", said the bitch. "Are you a pirate? Because if you are, I'm going to chop your balls off. Otherwise, can I have your babies?"

"No", said Reinhardt, after checking he did not have a pegleg or an eyepatch. "But I don't want to have your babies, because you live in a teepee, and therefore probably have AIDS."

"Oh, ok", she said. "I'm Lyn. I'm the last surviving member of the Lorca Tribe. Bandits came in the night and killed the rest. They didn't notice me, due to my lack of character."

"Got it", Reinhardt nodded. "I'm... wait, who the fuck am I? Uhh... I recall the name... Leif? But I'm not gay, so that can't be my name. Hmm... I don't know, just call me Mark, I guess. Mark Pence."

Lyn nodded. "I think we will get along just fine."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The Beast**

Reinhardt and Lyn spoke for a little while longer, when suddenly they heard the sound of loud voices.

"Hey, Batta, I thought you killed all the Lorca last time!" said a surly man.

"Yeah, I did too, but then I remembered something", another man answered. "At the time, I thought nothing of it. But, now I remember, there was a giant pair of tits around here. They were mostly hidden by a complete lack of substance, but now I think about it, there was probably another Lorca attached to them. Tits don't just float around like that!"

"Oh no, it's the bandits who killed my tribe!" Lyn said, as she picked up Mulagir, and got on her horse.

"Are you going to kill them?" Rein asked.

"I'll try..." Lyn replied.

"Do you have a strategy?"

"Yeah, I'm just going to mindlessly walk towards the nearest one, and attack him, no matter what. That's how everyone in Sacae fights."

"Ok, you could do that", Reinhardt said. "Or you could try not being a total down syndrome fuck, and actually use a real strategy."

"Wait, you know how to do that?"

"Yeah, I think. Ok, here's what you do. Go outside, and click on the nearest one. Then see how many blue squares pop out of him. Walk as close as you can get, without stepping onto those squares."

"...Are you on drugs?" Lyn asked, giving him a puzzled look.

"Oh right, we can't actually see those", Rein realised. "Ok, just stand where I tell you to stand, and wait for him to come closer. He is probably autistic as hell, and will just do what you were going to do, until I stopped you."

"Hahaha, what a great day it is to walk mindlessly towards the enemy!" the bandit laughed, as he swung his axe cheerfully.

Batta rolled his eyes, as he took up a defensive position by the other tent. Lyn waited just outside the bandit's attack range, where Rein told her to wait, and then killed him with two arrows through the head, after he got close. Realising he was in trouble, Batta took out a Hand Axe, and waited for Lyn by the tent, which had magic healing powers, and also somehow made him harder to hit.

"Why did you kill my tribe?!" Lyn demanded to know, as she cautiously approached, making sure to stay out of his Hand Axe's range.

"One day, I discovered a dark secret about the Lorca", Batta explained. "Why do you think you have rode that horse, your entire life? Why do you think you know no other way to fight, besides on its back?"

"All the Lorca ride horses into battle. It's just the way I was raised."

"And did you ever question why? Well, I did, and I one day, I learned the truth. They're bronies! Dirty horsefucking faggots, every last one of them! At that point, I knew they needed to be taken care of."

"N-No it can't be true!" Lyn gasped.

"Don't let him get in your head!" Reinhardt told her. "You're not a brony, and I know it! You have big tits, and it's only male bronies that have big tits! The girl ones are just ugly, unfuckable flat chested bitches, like Lucina!"

"Yeah, you're right!" said Lyn, her confidence restored. "I won't let you take my tribe's name in vain! Die!"

She let loose a powerful bolt from Mulagir, which pierced Batta's shoulder. The mighty brigand let loose a powerful ear-splitting scream, as he threw his Hand Axe towards her. It was a direct hit, but luckily, her tits protected her vital organs, and the axe returned to his hand, without dealing any serious damage.

They traded many blows, until several arrows were sticking out of Batta's body, and Lyn's tits had been battered with the axe so many times that she was winded, and could barely muster the strength to pull her bowstring. They both gasped for breath, as they stumbled towards one another, Lyn weakly tugging at the reins of her horse, while Batta used his axe like a crutch to prop himself up.

"Alright... Enough..." he finally said. "This battle will be the end for both of us, at this rate... I can't die here, not while bronies still pollute Sacae with their BO..." And regretfully, he retreated. Lyn called out for him to stop, but it was no use. She didn't have the strength to pursue him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Caelin**

After driving off Batta, Lyn went back to rest in her tent. She was exhausted from the battle, while Reinhardt was mentally exhausted from keeping her from doing autistic shit for the entire map.

"We make a pretty good team, don't we?" Lyn said.

"Yeah, a broken, braindead unit, and a tactician who can think at about the level of an average twelve year old", Rein added. "Seems like a match made in heaven."

"I was thinking", Lyn said, in an uncharacteristic moment. "What if we go on a journey? The two of us together, we could go to arena, and ruin all the win streaks of the manbabies on Reddit and GameFAQs, when they were one game away from finishing for the week. Half of them are probably bronies anyway. If we did that, it'd prove that the Lorca were good."

"Sure, why not?" Rein shrugged. "But I have no memory, so you'll have to lead us to the nearest arena."

"Ok", Lyn agreed. "And she led him to the nearby city of Bulgaria.

Meanwhile, in Bulgaria, two cucks were riding around on horses. They sucked so much, they were still not added to FEH, even in 2020. One of them was a soulless creature, known as a ginger, while the other one was almost as big of an incel as Leif, and always failed to get laid. They happened to cross paths with our heroes, on the way to the arena.

"Hey, will you have my babies?" the incel asked Lyn.

"Eww, no!" she gasped, kicking him in the micropenis, and causing him to fall off his horse. Everyone laughed at this, except the ginger, since the sense of humour is part of the soul.

"What are you two fags doing here, anyway?" Rein asked. "There's no way you're going to arena, because that would mean they actually made you playable!"

"We're here to find the Princess of Caelin", the ginger asked.

"Lmao like a princess would want anything to do with either of you queers", Rein scoffed. "What's her name, anyway? Maybe we can tell her that she's at the top of r/incels' fap list, after we ruin her arena streak."

"It's Lyndis", the ginger answered.

"What a stupid fucking name!" Lyn laughed. "Who would call their kid that? It's not even a real name. At least she has a name, unlike you two nameless NPCs, I guess."

"Our names are..."

"Don't care", Reinhardt interrupted, as he and Lyn made their way into the arena.

The incel coughed, as he got up from the ground. "W-Wait... Kent..." he said to his companion. "I remember now... The way she kicked me in the micropenis there. Lady Lyndis's mother kicked me the exact same way, when she rejected my ass way back in the day. Maybe she's actually...?"

However, not all was well. Though it would be some time before Batta healed from his arrow wounds, he had already sent his trusted sidekick, Zugu to intercept Lyn, and put an end to the Lorca once and for all. The new brigand made his way into the arena, while the two losers on the horses followed behind.

"ZUGU HERE TO FIGHT!" he exclaimed, slamming his axe through the reception desk.

"Ok, you go on ahead sir, and have a good day", the receptionist said, allowing him into the arena. Kent and Sain tried to follow him in, but the receptionist got in their way and blocked them.

"Whoa, we're going to have to stop you gentleman there", they said. "This is arena, a mode which is only for actual characters to take part in. If NPCs want to battle, the Training Tower is that way."

"DAMN IT, WE'RE NOT NPCSSSSS!" Sain cried, as the security dragged the two of them away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Arena**

Lyn and Reinhardt were led into the arena, where they would be matched with an opponent of their choice. They had three options, a Beginner, an Intermediate, and an Expert opponent.

"Definitely Beginner", Rein told the fight organiser. "We just want to bully dumbass neckbeards from GameFAQs and Reddit, and there's no way their shitty teams could ever get higher than that."

"Ok, right this way", the organiser said, leading them out into the arena.

On the other side of the arena stood an obese manchild, wearing the Summoner robe from FEH. He was leading a team of Nowi, Winter Sothis, Bride Sanaki and Summer Elise. He didn't even meet Reinhardt's gaze, as he was too busy ogling his squad of underage waifus, while trying to find his micropenis with the tweezers he was using to masturbate.

"So, the Sanaki is running Gronnowl, with Defiant Atk 2, Pass, and no C", Rein began. "The Sothis is still Level 1. Actually, I don't even need to check the other two. Lyn, just do your stuff, you don't even need strategy to beat this idiot."

And so Lyn mindlessly charged towards the neckbeard's pathetic arena team, quickly overwhelming all of them with use of her superior attack range, and powerful stats.

"REEEEEEEEE!" screeched the neckbeard, as he waddled out of arena, in order to post on Reddit about how adult women are evil, and ruined his entire day.

Lyn and Rein high-fived, as they left to bully more pathetic neckbeard teams. Legions of Owl tome-wielding, Fury 4 running waifus, and their obese Summoners fell before Lyn's mighty bow, until eventually, they were 1 game away from completing their own streak.

"That's funny", Rein said. "Usually, I can smell our opponent by now."

"Yeah, about that", the fight organiser told them. "Apparently another guy had the same idea as you two. Clearing out all the fat pedophiles from Beginner, and then laughing at their salt on GameFAQs."

"You're right", Lyn nodded, as she took out her phone to show Reinhardt. There were almost as many threats complaining about a broken enemy unit named Zugu, as there was complaining about the duo they had now dubbed 'Lynhardt'.

"Wow, this Zugu guy must be pretty tough", Rein said, with a slight tone of admiration behind his words. "Apparently he has been preventing these Reddit players from getting further in the game, since 2003."

"And here he comes", the organiser warned, as the brigand stormed into the ring.

"ZUGU HERE TO KILL BRONIES, AND MAKE FUN OF NPCS!" he bellowed. "AND ZUGU ALL OUT OF NPCS!" He prefaced this, by dropping the severed heads of Sain and Kent at his feet.

"You'll pay for that!" Lyn exclaimed, fiercely pulling on the reins of her horse, as it thundered towards them. "Calling me a brony, I mean, not killing the NPCs."

She took out Mulagir, and opened fire on Zugu. Though she was fast enough to double him, she quickly found that he was far better built than the GameFAQs users' waifu armies from earlier, and capable of withstanding the attack. Zugu retaliated with a powerful swing of his Steel Axe, striking Lyn with enough force that her horse was sent flying, and she fell to the ground.

"Help!" she called out to Reinhardt, as she saw her horse lying on its side. "I've never fought on foot before! I don't know how! What do I do?"

"It's ok. I know you've never fought on foot before, but at least you still have your bow. It's not like you have to use a totally alien weapon, like a sword. Just aim for his heart, and you'll do fine!"

"Ok", she said, reassured by Rein's faith. Zugu charged her down, but she stood her ground and fired a bolt which whirred straight past his axe, hitting him in the heart. The brigand dropped his weapon, and fell to the ground, clearly mortally wounded. "W-Wait..." he moaned weakly. "C-Come closer..."

"Do you think it's a trap?" Lyn asked.

"Nah, he's too badly injured to try anything", Rein assured her. "Let's hear him out. He might have something interesting to say."

"Th-The Lorca..." he whispered. "Th-They're bronies... I know... I know in my heart th-that Batta was right... But you... Y-You're different... Those two NPCs I killed... Th-They said you... that you're really the Princess of Caelin... At the time... I thought them delusional... B-But now I see it... No brony could ever fight like that. Th-They're... huge beta cucks... You must have been... ad-dop...ted..."

With that final message, Zugu's eyes fell shut. Lyn was left in silence, wondering if everything she had been led to believe was a lie.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Inheritance**

Lyn and Rein left the arena, shocked at what Zugu had told them, with his dying words.

"So I guess that princess with the dumb name is actually me", Lyn said. "I guess after I was adopted by the Lorca, they just shortened it to Lyn, so I could actually have a normal name."

"Wait, if you're a princess, doesn't that mean you're actually rich?" Reinhardt asked.

"Oh shit, you're right!" Lyn realised. "I've lived in a teepee with nothing to do, but ride horses, and shoot bows all my life. But now I can finally live like a dumb rich white girl, and wake up at 2pm with a hangover every single day! We need to find my dad, so we can poison him right away, and take the inheritance for ourselves."

"Hell yeah!" Rein agreed, as he went back to his horse. "You know the way to Caelin, right?"

"Yeah, but it's really far", she warned him. "We'll have to pass through a lot of poorly designed maps, along the way."

Meanwhile, Batta was just receiving word of Zugu's demise. "Zugu, slain by some brony girl?" he spat, a look of disbelief on his face. "This is dire. Time to call in a favor."

"You don't mean...", gasped one of his brigand henchmen.

"Oh, I mean him, alright. Send word to the Godslayer."

In a dark, dimly lit alley, in the streets of Bulgaria, a crowd had gathered to challenge a lone warrior. With unkempt brown hair, and a sleeveless red shirt, he looked every bit as rugged, as his blade did sharp. He turned to address the first of his challengers.

"State your name, warrior, and why you think this will be worth my time."

"They call me the Sword Demon", the challenger answered. "I've slain a stone giant. With just this blade." He unsheathed his Wo Dao.

"That's it, really?", said the rugged man, unimpressed. "And what about you?" he asked the next challenger.

"I'm Gay... err, Guy! Guy! And as for my most impressive accomplishment, I watched my wife's boyfriend fuck my wife for an entire hour, and I only cried for 20 minutes afterwards! 20 minutes! That's a third of the time I spent watching."

"Okay... All of you, just come at me at once", the master swordsman decided. "That's the only way this is gonna be any fun."

3 seconds later, and it was over. The rapid strokes of the master's blade had cut down the crowd of challengers as fast as they could unsheathe their blades.

"Weak", he said boredly, as he began to walk away. However, a messenger would approach him, only seconds later. "Huh, Batta's calling in the favor? Well, this could be interesting. No member of the Lorca tribe has ever wielded a sword, in the entire time they've walked the plains. But maybe that's exactly the kind of challenger I need."

Lyn and Reinhardt continued on their journey to Caelin, passing by an old church along the way. "They say the legendary bow of Sacae, Swift Mulagir is enshrined inside that church", Lyn told Reinhardt.

"I thought your bow was Mulagir?" he asked.

"This is just regular Mulagir. Swift Mulagir is a different weapon entirely. I can only imagine the power it might have... hey, let's break in and steal it!"

"Alright", Rein agreed. "Let's do this all stealthily. I'll go in, and distract the bishop, while you go over to the shrine and take the bow. Then, just as you're about to leave, I'll punch him in the balls, take his wallet, and tell him we got the bow too, just to mock him!"

"Good idea!" Lyn agreed. "You're the tactician for a reason!"

Intent on carrying out their plan, the duo approached the shrine. But before they could enter, the brown haired swordsman stood in their way. "You two. You're Batta's enemies, right?"

"Yeah, he's a bit of a prick, really", Rein said.

"So he's sent you to kill me now, right?" Lyn asked.

"That's right", the swordsman said bluntly. "My name's Glass."

"And the gods fear it, right?" Lyn said, with a roll of her eyes. "Which gods are those, then? Because we killed a bunch of neckbeard losers' Sothis in arena yesterday, and they weren't shit."

"You're a cocky one, aren't you?" Glass snarled. "I'm gonna enjoy beating the will to fight out of you."

"Hey Lyn, keep insulting him, but don't start the fight yet", Rein whispered to her. "I've got an idea."

"Oh, ok", she said. "Hey Glass! More like Ass!"

"Shut up.

"Glass, how do you feel about the fact that they put a nameless brigand on the Choose Your Legends poll, but not you? I guess your name mustn't be so great after all."

Meanwhile, Rein was sneaking through the church, looking for the Swift Mulagir. He spotted it on the shrine, and with no time to spare, told the bishop that there were a bunch of underage boys outside. The holy man quickly deserted his post, allowing the tactician to steal the prized bow.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed. "With this, not even Glass will be able to stand up to Ly... oh god!"

His face was a portrait of dismay, as he read the effect of Swift Mulagir. Never in his life had he seen a legendary weapon so underwhelming. And it was green to boot.

"Well, we're dead", Rein said, with a dismissive sigh. He thought about fleeing the church, and trying to start over again. But as he made his way to the back exit, he felt bad about leaving Lyn behind. They hadn't spent a lot of time together, or even gotten particularly close, but she had never been anything but good to him. "Real men don't leave decent bitches behind. We only leave behind trash tier girls, like Hilda."

Glass had just been insulted by Lyn about 30 times now, and was about ready to snap and kill her. His hand fell to the hilt of his blade, when suddenly he felt something wrap around his arms. It was Reinhardt, using the bowstrings of the Swift Mulagir like rope to bind him. "Quick Lyn, shoot him!" he urged, which Lyn promptly obliged, loosing two bolts from the true Mulagir, one through the forehead, one through the heart.

"I thought you were getting that for me to use", she laughed.

"Look at it", Rein told her, throwing the worthless bow across to her.

"Wow, you've got to be fucking kidding me", she sighed. "Might as well burn that place down", she added, gesturing to the church.

Rein pulled Glass's body inside, before lighting a torch, and throwing it inside. Lyn threw the Swift Mulagir in along with him, and then the two of them walked off, having locked the door shut.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Invasion**

After burning down the church, Rein and Lyn decided to find somewhere to rest for the night. They approached a town on the border of Sacae. Soon they would be in Elibe, the country Caelin was located in.

"Hey, do you have any money?" Lyn asked, as she looked in her bag, realising she had none of her own.

"Oh damn, I forgot to take that bishop's wallet", he said. "No, I got nothing."

"How are we going to rent a room, then?"

"You're the Princess of Caelin. Just claim this town in the name of Caelin, and they'll have to let us do whatever we want."

"Great idea!" Lyn replied, with a happy smile. She rode up to the town's gate, bow in hand. "You there! I am Lyndis, Princess of Caelin! Your town is being annexed by Caelin! Surrender immediately, or I'll... uh...". She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Hey, what's a good threat?" After Rein whispered something to her, she returned to addressing the people. "Or I'll kill then men, rape the women, and work the children to death in the mines!"

"Hey, isn't that a bit too much?" she added, to Reinhardt.

"You have to go hard, or otherwise they won't take you seriously", he answered, with a shrug.

Quickly, the honourable mayor of the town, Migal stepped forwards to negotiate with the invading force, backed by the local militia. "So you're the Princess of Caelin?" he asked, quickly noticing Lyn's distinct lack of an army. "So where's your army? You hiding them inside that overgrown hair of yours?"

"Like I need them to subdue worthless peasants, like you!" she answered, clearly intoxicated by the imagined power she now commanded. "Tactician, tell this fool what we will do to him and his men, should he continue to refuse our occupation."

"Well, you see that bow she's holding there", Reinhardt began. "I'm sure she could shoot you, and every single member of your militia in the balls with it, and then you'd be stuck, lying on the ground, while we subjugate your town. Is that really how you want to go out?"

"Better than letting tyrants like you two have your way with our town! Attack!"

The militia charged Lyn, but they were poorly equipped to deal with her, and her broken bow. One by one, they fell, until eventually, Migal and the remaining three closed in.

"Let's just ride away from them", Rein laughed, as he and Lyn quickly circled around the militia, and made their way past them, taunting them as they got out of breath chasing them.

However, while Lyn and Rein were mocking the militia, two more fighters from within the village came out to approach them.

"H-Hey, that's Lyn..." stuttered a nervous looking Pegasus Knight. "She was the school bully, at Sacae High. She used to make fun of me every day for being flat-chested..."

"I've heard of her", said the other, an archer. "My friends on Reddit said she made fun of them for being pedophiles. Let's make her pay."

Lyn was so distracted by making fun of the militia, she didn't notice the archer pull his bowstring, and shoot her horse in the leg. She fell to the ground from its back, but luckily, her giant tits cushioned her fall. Before she could get up, the Pegasus Knight descended towards her, pointing a lance at her throat.

"P-Prepare to die!" she stuttered, intending to sound threatening, but instead just sounding like a pissed off hamster or something.

"Hahaha, is that Flat Florina?" Lyn laughed. "Oh my god, it is! Hahahaha!"

"D-Don't call me that!"

"Hey, Flat Florina, Halloween was last month, why don't you take off the Lucina costume?"

"Sh-Shut up!"

"I think I've figured out her weakness", Reinhardt said.

"What's that?" Lyn asked.

Rein moved closer to Florina, and yelled "boo!" in a mildly loud voice. Florina immediately dropped her lance, fell off her pegasus, and curled up in the fetal position, before promptly dying of a heart attack. However, as he did this, the archer pulled his bowstring back, his arrow aimed at the now completely exposed Reinhardt's head.

"Look out!" Lyn cried in horror.

Reinhardt noticed the archer too late, and didn't have time to get out of the way. But just before the shot was fired, a Hand Axe flew threw the air, smashing the archer's head to pieces. Their eyes followed the axe, as it returned to the hand of its owner. To their horror, it belonged to Batta! The beastly brigand began approaching them, while from the other side, Migal and his militia flanked them. With Lyn's horse wounded, they had no way to escape.

"Out of the frying pan, and into the fire, huh", Rein said, with a sigh. "Hey, why did you save me from that archer?" he asked Batta, assuming him the more reasonable of the two to negotiate with.

"I heard what you two did to Glass. Came here to finish the job myself. But then I learned that she's actually the Princess of Caelin. That explains everything. Why she's so strong. Why she looks like an actual woman, and not a fucking washboard with acne. She's not a brony. She was just adopted by them. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I want in. You're going to Caelin, to swindle your inheritance out of the king, right?"

"Maybe?" Lyn said coyly.

"Well. Cut me in, and I'll take care of those faggots over there for you."

"It might be a good idea to take Batta up on his offer", Rein suggested. "We could do with another fighter, and not having him sending hitmen after us every day would be nice too."

"Alright, you're in", Lyn said. "This town is ours!"

She pulled back her bowstring, while Batta reeled back his arm. Lyn's arrow pierced Migal's head with such force, it sent him flying back into the fighter behind him, piercing his head on the same arrow. Batta's axe flew threw the other two, like a wrecking ball, before landing in his hand.

"So, what does this town have, that you'd want to invade it anyway?" Batta asked.

"Oh, we just wanted a place to sleep for the night", Lyn answered, as she kicked down the door of a random house.

"Nice", Batta said, with an approving smile.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Trust No One**

After getting a good night's rest in the town they claimed in the name of Caelin, Lyn and her cohorts stole as much gold as they could carry, before setting off for their destination once again.

"This is nothing, compared to what we'll soon have!" said Lyn, with glee. "What are you going to do with yours?" she asked Reinhardt.

"I'm going to find someone who can cure my amnesia. So I can remember who that Leif person I vaguely recall was. Then go and kick his ass."

"What about you Batta?"

"A long way from here, there's a land called Valentia", he said. "That's where I was from, originally. But a wicked tyrant named Alm took over our lands, and banned axes. They treated us like animals, so that's what I became, a beast. We rallied under a heroic boss, and fought against him for many years, but eventually, we were defeated at the Thieves' Shrine. I fled Valentia, swearing to find a new land, raise an army, and then return home one day to free my axe bros from the tyranny. That's what I've been doing over here. Getting all the brigands together, slowly rising to power, so that one day, we can get back to Valentia, and set my people free. With the inheritance from the king of Caelin, I'll finally have enough money to set my brothers free."

"Wow, that's... not what I expected", Lyn said. "I thought you were just going to build a concentration camp to put all the bronies in, or some dumb shit."

"Oh, that won't be necessary", Batta explained. "I'm just going to close all the McDonald's for a few weeks, and starve them out."

"How do you intend to get the authority to do something like that?" Rein questioned.

"In Valentia, I mean", Batta said quickly. "I'm going back to stay, once this is all done."

They carried on their way for some time, getting to know one another a little better, until the first signs of dusk showed. "There's a fort not much further up the road", Batta told them. "It belongs to a friend of mine. We'll stay there for the night. Get a nice hot meal, so we're rested for tomorrow."

"Very well", Reinhardt agreed, though with a hint of hesitation in his voice. A tense atmosphere hung over the group, until the fort came into view over the horizon. Batta went on ahead to arrange the stay with his friend, while Rein went to speak to Lyn in private. "I don't trust him. Leading us into a fort, probably full of his brigands, it feels like a trap. Keep an arrow in your hand at all times, and have Mulagir ready. We might have to fight our way out of here."

"Yeah, I don't trust him either", Lyn agreed. "Earlier, he told me that his headband was handmade from the finest silk, but I totally saw that thing at Walmart for $5 the other day. The guy's story is full of holes."

Before long, Batta came back, and showed them inside. A rough looking man with grey hair and a large chin greeted him. Alongside him was a large man with ginger hair, though he appeared to have a soul, unlike the NPC from earlier, and a young woman whose leg appeared to be injured.

"This is Carjiga", he said, gesturing to the grey haired man who seemed to be the leader. "He's the head of the Szechuan sauce smuggling branch of my brigand organisation."

Carjiga grunted and nodded. "It's a rough business. Got many a scar, from prying packets of the stuff out of the hands of high IQ manbabies. But it puts mutton on the table. Sweet, delicious mutton..."

"I'm sure Carjiga will have plenty of stories to tell about his exploits, over dinner", Batta said. "This is Dorcas, his right hand man", he said, gesturing to the large man. "And his wife, Natalie. She'll be cooking the mutton they so love for us, tonight."

"Alright..." Reinhardt said, taken aback by the atmosphere of the place. _They're just trying to disarm us, with all this small talk and friendliness, I'm sure of it. But I did expect to see more of his brigands here... What could they be planning?_

Natalie went into the kitchen, in order to finish cooking the mutton. Everyone else had gone off to do their own things, at this point, and since the fort was big, they could not see each other.

"Sh-She didn't believe me about my headband at all..." Batta said to himself, with an insecure look. "She nodded, all fake smiles and everything, but in her eyes, I could only see one word: 'Walmart'! They told me that no one would ever find out... that I, Batta the Beast get all my clothes from Walmart! But she knows my secret... What should I do?"

At the same time, Reinhardt was having similar issues. "I'm supposed to be the main character of this story, aren't I? But when it comes to battle, Lyn always gets the spotlight, because of this stupid amnesia. I'm sure if I could just remember who I really was, I'd be a great fighter too. But as things are, I can't do anything. There has to be something useful I can do here... But what?"

"Ugh, this is so tough..." Lyn groaned, as she stared intently at a book. From the outside, the words "Reading 4 Dummies" could be seen upside down, on the cover. "Why did my parents make me take all those lessons on how to jerk off horses, instead of reading lessons? I'm sure in the real world, reading is a more practical skill than giving horses handjobs..."

While our protagonists were going through their personal troubles, Natalie set an elegant table for them to have their meal at. Delicious plates of mutton were set out for everyone. Embroidered napkins with each of their names on them had been set out by the plates, along with fine china and silverware. Due to her injured leg, it took Natalie about 10 minutes to make her way around the fort, and call everyone to the table. Soon, they had each taken their seats, and were tucking into their mutton.

"My portion is a little on the small side", Batta groaned. "This does not seem fit for a great bandit like myself, who only shops at really expensive clothes stores, and only wears designer headbands."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Natalie apologised. "I thought I had set aside the biggest piece for you, but I guess there must have been a mixup."

"Don't worry about it", Batta assured her. "Carjiga tells me your husband has been a hardworking member of his of his smuggling ring for a long time. I couldn't hold anything against his wife."

"Taking Szechuan sauce from the hands of manbabies is as easy as taking candy from a..." Dorcas began. "From a... Fr-From..." His head hit the table with a loud thud.

"Dorcas, are you okay!?" Natalie screamed as she hobbled over to his side.

Everyone immediately stood up, vicious glares shooting across the table, as they drew their weapons.

"What is the meaning of this?!" Reinhardt demanded to know. "You tampered with our food, didn't you?!"

"Me?!" Batta yelled. "Why would I poison my own man?! Just because I'm the bad guy to you? You two assholes aren't exactly saints yourselves! Clearly this is your betrayal!"

"Yeah, it kind of doesn't make sense that he would poison his own man", Lyn admitted.

"That's because I snuck in here, before the meal, and switched our plates with theirs!" Reinhardt revealed. "You've fallen into your own trap, Batta!"

"I told you, I'm not responsible for this!" Batta defied. "Tell him, Carjiga!...Carjiga?"

To his horror, he noticed that the grey haired brigand had collapsed too, a stream of blood running across the table, from his lip.

"Hah, two of them dead!" Reinhardt interjected. "Just like the two plates I moved around! This proves that you are the one who poisoned the mutton, Batta!"

"N-Now wait just a minute!" the brigand protested. He ran over to Dorcas's side, and checked his pulse, then did the same for Carjiga. "Carjiga's dead, there's blood running from his mouth. But Dorcas just seems to be out cold. That means it was probably two different people who poisoned them! So you're wrong!"

"...You came to that conclusion fast", Rein told him. "Almost like you knew something about this..."

"O-Okay, fine!" Batta confessed. "I drugged Lyn's mutton! My plan was to knock her out, since she's the only one who can fight, then take her prisoner, and use her as a hostage to get the entire inheritance, not just my cut. But this wasn't me!" He pointed to the dead Carjiga. "I could never stoop so low as to poison mutton! Drug, sure, but poison!? That is a level of low I will not sink to! I accuse you, Mr. Tactician of poisoning the mutton! Probably because you knew that you would be no good in an actual fight, and wanted to try and do something productive, right?!"

Reinhardt stuttered at this accusation, but he was not ready to give up. "N-Not only is your assessment of my battle prowess entirely incorrect, but you are also wrong about me being the poisoner. Though I will confess one thing. I switched Lyn and I's plates with yours and Carjiga's, not Carjiga's and Dorcas'. So the fact that Dorcas ended up eating the drugged mutton, and not you. That much is odd."

"Then someone else in here tampered with the mutton..." Batta realised. He looked around the table to Lyn, then to Natalie, then to the unconscious Dorcas, and the dead Carjiga. "Someone at this table cannot be trusted... And it's you!" He pointed his finger at Lyn, which made her jump. Something fell out from between her tits, and smashed against the ground.

"That was the poison, wasn't it?!" Batta accused.

"Uhhhh... maybe?" Lyn said coyly.

"I knew it! You two are the real bastards, not me! I was just going to drug you, you actually wanted to kill me!"

"That doesn't make any sense", Reinhardt interrupted. "I switched Carjiga's plate with mine, so if Lyn tried to poison him, I would have ended up eating the poisoned mutton, not him!"

"Uh, about that..." Lyn said, with a nervous grin. "When I came in here to poison the mutton, I couldn't read any of the names on the napkins. I was sure the letters "R-E-I-N" made a "Bat" sound, but I guess not, huh?"

"Oh are you fucking kidding me..." he sighed, walking towards Lyn, facepalming. "You almost killed me dammit... wait!"

He looked down at the broken bottle of poison. Although the glass had smashed, the label was still legible. "This is the poison, right?" he asked Lyn, receiving a nod in response. "...Lyn, this is fucking ketchup..."

"Wait, really?" she said, with a childlike smile. "Then, I guess I'm innocent, and didn't do anything then, huh?"

"This is some kind of sick joke, the Sacaen education system, these days", Batta sighed. "Although I don't trust you for a second, I am willing to believe that you are too stupid to poison me competently, so I guess you're cleared", he told Lyn. "That just leaves your tactician friend, and... Natalie!"

Natalie recoiled in horror, as Batta accused her.

"Of course, now it all makes sense! You were the one who spent the most time with our food, so of course you had time to not only poison it, but also hide the evidence! It was you! You did it! You did it!"

Natalie looked like she was about to have a heart attack, and this trauma was enough to awaken Dorcas from his drug-induced coma. "Enough of this!" he yelled at Batta. "You talk to my wife like that again, and I'll break your neck!" The two men glared at one another, until Reinhardt got up, and started inspecting the plates.

"Dorcas..." Reinhardt told him. "Your mutton is the one with the ketchup on it. That means you ended up with the mutton that Lyn tried to poison. After she 'poisoned' it, it was switched with Carjiga's. Which means someone switched your mutton, and Carjiga's mutton. The poisoned mutton started on your plate, Dorcas! The drugged mutton was meant for Lyn, and then was switched to Carjiga's plate, and then to yours."

Everyone recoiled at shock, at this revelation. "But why would anyone want to poison Dorcas?" they all asked.

"I could never do it, of course", Natalie said. "Me and Dorcas, we mean the world to each other." Dorcas nodded at this.

"And I'm innocent, because... well, you know why", Lyn said, with an embarrassed smile.

"Of all the people I could poison at this table, why would it be him?" Reinhardt pointed out. "He wasn't in charge, I didn't know the guy, if I was going to poison someone, it just wouldn't make sense to pick him. And let's think about things. Not only did someone poison Dorcas's mutton, but then someone also moved it around afterwards. Why would anyone want Carjiga to have Dorcas's mutton, if they didn't poison it themselves?"

Natalie looked at the plates, and realised something. "Carjiga took the poisoned mutton himself. You see. The mutton on Carjiga's plate is the prime cut. He and Dorcas were good friends, but when it came to food, Carjiga was a real bastard. I'm sure he snuck in, and took the prime cut for himself."

"I knew something was suspicious with my food!" Batta spoke up. "You didn't give me the prime cut, you gave it to your husband! That's why I have this tiny little runt piece of mutton! I'm the head of this crime organisation, I'm the fucking boss, and that means I always get the prime cut! Me! Nobody else!"

"Now isn't the time to be arguing over something so petty!" Dorcas interrupted. "This is not important. What's important is who poisoned the mutton!"

"Not important, you say?" Rein interrupted. "No, I think it's very important. In fact I think it's the key to solving this whole case!"

Everyone gasped in shock, as they listened to what Reinhardt had to say. "Batta is in fact correct. He is the boss of this organisation, and the boss gets the prime cut. It says so right here, in the Batta Brigand Organisation Employee Handbook. Natalie apologised earlier, when Batta expressed his dissatisfaction with the size of his portion, which means she was well aware of this. Natalie put so much effort into this meal, with the embroiderer napkins and the delicious food. She is the perfect homemaker. So there's no way she would get something like that wrong, right?"

"Th-That's right!" Natalie remembered. "I definitely gave Batta the prime cut! Which means the poison was meant for Batta, not for Dorcas!"

"Then who poisoned my mutton, and who put it on Dorcas's plate?!" Batta demanded.

"That's simple", Reinhardt said, with a confident smile. "Why it was Dorcas himself!" Dorcas recoiled at this, sweat running down his brow. "No one else has a motive. Who else but Dorcas would want the prime cut moved from Batta's plate, to Dorcas's? Dorcas would. You've seen how protective he is of his wife. He probably can't stand the idea of another man taking her best cooking from him. Isn't that right?"

"O-Okay, you got me..." Dorcas admitted. "I took Batta's mutton. But why on Earth would I poison mutton I was intending to eat?"

"Someone else poisoned it, then..." Batta said.

"No, I don't think they did", Reinhardt interrupted. "I think Dorcas decided that he was going to eat that mutton, and no one else. He knew how much Batta and Carjiga craved the mutton, and didn't trust them not to sneak in, and take it from his plate. So he left a ticking time bomb for them. Take the mutton... and it's the last piece of mutton they ever eat... And Carjiga rose to that trap."

Dorcas gasped, sweat now pouring down his brow. "Uh... I..."

"He's right, isn't he?!" Batta yelled. "You not only betrayed my organisation by going against the rules in the employee handbook, you even murdered one of your co-workers! Dorcas... You're fired! I want your office cleared out by tonight!"

"Grr, fine", Dorcas ceded. "Hey wait." He turned to Rein and Lyn. "You two hate this douchebag too, right? Why don't we just team up on him, and kill him? Then the bastard can never hog the prime cut again."

"Well, he did try to drug me", Lyn shrugged.

"You tried to poison me!" Batta protested.

"I think that seems like the outcome that is best for everyone here", Rein agreed. "Well, except for Batta."

Dorcas drew his axe, while Lyn readied her bow. Batta got his axe too, but realising he was outnumbered, he reassessed the situation, and backed away. "I'll get you fucking faggots for this!" he cursed, before running out of the fort.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: The Party**

Once Batta had fled, Rein and Lyn began negotiating with Dorcas.

"Well, we're out an axe fighter, and you're out of a job, so what do you say you come with us?" Rein offered. "Help us poison Lyn's dad, and get at the inheritance, and we'll give you whatever we were going to pay Batta."

"On one condition", Dorcas told him. "Help me find somewhere safe for Natalie first."

"Okay", Rein agreed. "We'll just hide her somewhere that no one would ever go to." They hid her inside the showers at a Smash Bros tournament.

"This is pretty good", Lyn said. "We should find more people, and add them to our party. Kind of feels like maybe we were supposed to be doing that from the start, instead of just making fun of and robbing everyone we came across, but oh well."

On the way to Caelin, they passed through a forest, where they encountered a young girl with pink hair, and some massive cuck who was supposed to be a man, I guess, but lol. The pair were under attack by brigands, led by none other than Batta himself.

"This is perfect", Rein realised. "These two are already fighting our biggest enemy, so convincing them to join our party should be easy."

Lyn fired an arrow from Mulagir, killing a nearby Brigand, while Dorcas threw his Hand Axe, which narrowly missed Batta, before finding its home inside the skull of another nearby Brigand.

"You two again!" Batta snarled. "Bug! Take care of this! I'm going over there to get my Halberd, so I can kill this treacherous titty monster, once and for all!"

A down syndrome in a sleeveless purple shirt came at them with an axe, while Batta left to get his weapon of choice. Lyn easily avoided the attack with her horse, while Dorcas took out a Steel Axe, and swung it at Bug, who locked axes with him. While the fight was going on, Reinhardt went over to talk to the two strangers.

"Hey, I see you've met Batta the Brainlet already", he told the girl. "He's some douchebag that keeps trying to rob us or something, which means we have a common enemy, I guess, so let's team up?"

"Oh my god, you're so hot, I want to have your babies", the whore said to Rein.

"B-But you said if I donated to your , you would have MY babies!" the cuck whined.

Rein just laughed, while Lyn and Dorcas continued to fight Bug. The two axemen appeared to be evenly matched, neither able to overwhelm the other. This made things easy for Lyn though, who just kicked Bug in the testicles until they shattered and he bled out.

"Nice work", Rein said to the two of them. "I got us two new members for our party as well."

"Oh my god, my pussy is like... so wet!" the whore said to Reinhardt, which earned her a glare from Lyn. "I need your thundercock inside me now!" And then there was an arrow sticking through her neck.

"Okay, what about this one, then?" Lyn said, pointing to the manlet loser. At that point, Batta came back, now wielding a Halberd.

"Don't let him get close, or he'll kill you with that thing", Rein warned Lyn. "Let's have the new guy fight him. What can you do?"

"I-I can use magic", stuttered the pathetic cuck. "I have been a virgin for so long, my chastity grants me magic powers."

"Magic!" Rein said, with an approving smile. "That should do well against a Brigand. And magic is... no, I don't remember what it is. Anyway, go get him!"

Lyn, Rein and Dorcas cheered as the cuck approached Batta, taking out his Thunder tome.

"Yeah, Thunder, that's a great spell!" Rein cheered, as Batta punched him in the face, sending the tome flying out of his hand.

"You've got him right where you want him!" Dorcas encouraged, as Batta grabbed the cuck by the throat, and slammed him up against a tree.

"You just have to wait for an opening!" Lyn said supportively, as Batta began pummeling the cuck's face repeatedly, the back of his head smashing against the tree with every blow.

"You're wearing him out!" Rein added, as the cuck began pissing his pants, while Batta smashed his face in.

"Come on, one more shot, and you've got him!" Dorcas cheered. "...No wait, Batta just broke his head open like a watermelon. RIP."

"RIP", Lyn and Rein said, as they prepared to deal with Batta themselves.

"How are you going to defeat me, when I have this?!" Batta exclaimed, showing off his fearsome Halberd.

"We could just like... not", Reinhardt suggested. "We have horses, and this faggot doesn't. We don't even have any reason to be here anymore, now that those two are dead."

"Yeah, you're right", said Lyn, as she helped Dorcas onto her horse. "Let's get out of here."

"Wait, you can't do that!" Batta protested. "This is a Rout map! You can't just ride straight through it, come back here!" But they didn't.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: Lundgren**

After escaping from Batta, Lyn and Rein rode off, until they neared a large city in the distance. The sun was beginning to set, and they were tired from laughing too hard at Erk getting his head literally beaten in by their arch-enemy, and decided now would be a good time to take a rest.

"So, where is this?" Reinhardt asked, as they rode up to the city gate.

"This is Araphen", Lyn explained. "They're supposed to be Caelin's greatest ally."

"Oy vey!" Dorcas joked.

"Does he have a big nose?" Rein added.

"The biggest!" Lyn answered. "Anyway, since they're our greatest ally, I'm sure they will have no reservations about giving us all five star hotel rooms, after I tell them that I'm the princess of Caelin." She rode over to a guardsman, who had taken notice of them. "You! Lowly peasant scum! I am Lyndis, Princess of Caelin, your greatest ally! Give us all fancy hotel rooms immediately, or I will write a bad review of your city on Yelp!"

"Uh, I didn't hear anything about Caelin having a princess", the guard said to his partner.

"Then clearly you have terminal autism!" Lyn chided. "Go and get me your manager immediately, or I'll pretend you raped me, and get you cancelled!"

"Oh yeah, now I remember", the other guard said. "Those two knights, Sir Ginger and Sir Incel came through here, looking for the Princess of Caelin, a few weeks ago. They said that the King of Caelin put her up for adoption, after the doctors told him she had been born with a negative IQ. But then he learned she might still be alive, and wanted to meet her again."

"Probably just to laugh at her", the former added. "After all, it was bronies she got adopted by, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, haha. He probably just wanted to tell her that he would never accept a horsefucking faggot back into his family, or something."

"Wh-What...?" Lyn gasped, unable to comprehend what she had heard.

Reinhardt struggled to keep his cool, as he heard what the guards had to say. "Dorcas... I'll buy you the best mutton in the city, if you kill these two assholes in the most painful way possible."

"Alright, now we're talking!" Dorcas cheered, as he took out his Hand Axe. "If I aim it at just this angle it should... yeah, perfect!" He threw his Hand Axe, in a way that it boomeranged back and forwards between the two guards, slicing their bodies repeatedly, until it carved the words "I love gay porn and black willies" into their chests. He then broke their legs, and left them to bleed out through the messages carved into them.

"Thanks", Rein said, smiling at the mutton-obsessed axeman. "Are you ok, Lyn?"

"All this time, I thought I just hated everyone, because I was a sociopath or something", Lyn said. "But now I know the truth... It's because they never even gave me a chance, to begin with. This is great! Now I can do whatever the fuck I want, and be immune to karma! I can't believe something this great is happening to me! This is perfect! Let's go burn down an orphanage or something, to celebrate!"

"Uhhh... I don't know if it works that way", Rein said. "But as long as you are ok, and we can still do whatever we want, I'm good!"

Meanwhile, a man from Caelin was visiting the Marquess of Araphen. "Marquess, it is good to see you unharmed!" he greeted, with a sigh of relief.

"Oh really, goy, and why is that?" the Marquess asked, moaning sexually, as he rubbed money on his nipples.

"My brother, the King of Caelin brings dire news. We have learned that as of recently, an illegitimate, bastard daughter of his has been using the name of Caelin in vain, conquering cities under our supposed authority, all while planning to arrive at Caelin, and kill my poor brother himself! I come, not just to warn you of the danger to your own life, but to beseech you to come to my brother's aid! As our greatest ally, surely you can spare some forces to help us hunt this evil pretender, before she commits any more atrocities!"

"Oh... I don't if I could do something like that..." Marquess Araphen replied, poorly feigning sympathy. "Did Caelin pay us $100,000,000 this week, in order to celebrate Annual Goldbergstein Day?"

"I... don't think so?" Lundgren replied.

"Oh no, that sounds antisemitic, goy!" the Marquess gasped, before polishing his nose with a $600 note. "I'm sorry, I can't spare any soldiers for antisemites! You're going to have to go home empty handed, I'm afraid."

"B-But my brother!" Lundgren pleaded. "He could be in great danger!"

Just then, a messenger stormed in, in order to warn them that Lyn was already in the city. "Marquess Araphen, the brony princess just came into our city, and killed two of the guards!"

"Yeah, so?" the Marquess said disinterestedly.

"She also took their wallets."

"She did what?! Deploy the Araphen army immediately! Spare no manpower! Lock down the city! Do whatever it takes to have her found, and make sure those wallets make their way right back to me, understood?!"

Before long, they were confronted by another green haired, horse-mounted nomadic archer. But he looked like a giant fag.

"Hey, nice bow!" Lyn jeered. "I love how green it is!"

"Sh-Shut up!" the cuck stuttered. "We don't all get to be fucking shallow waifus, that horny 5 year olds votebotted into having a broken alt!"

"Hey, on his bandana..." Reinhardt said, as he looked closer. "Isn't that... Oh god, it is! It's a My Little Pony bandana!"

"S-So what!" the cuck muttered. "All true Sacaens are bronies! Except that stupid whore over there, apparently!"

"Aww, are you mad that I got a real bow, while you and your literally who daughter got that fucking green shit!" Lyn mocked. "What are you even doing here, anyway?"

"Marquess Araphen sent me to retrieve the wallets you stole!"

"You're Sacaen?" Rein asked. "Why are you working for a, uh, merchant?"

"He pays me in Rainbow Dash body pillows, for every invader I put down!" the manchild answered proudly. "I am so dedicated to my role, he made me the captain of the Araphen army! Now prepare yourself, I'll show you what a real horse archer can do!"

While they were fighting, a brigand was coming to bring word of what was going on to Batta.

"All right, looking good!" Batta said, with a smile, as he took out a new shirt from a Wal-Mart carrier bag, admiring it in the mirror. "This is a shirt that really says 'main antagonist'! I'm going to wear this to my final battle with Lyn, for sure, and I'm going to look so damn great!"

"Mr. The Beast, sir!" called out the brigand, as he came running into the hideout. "I have urgent news!"

"Oh no!" Batta panicked, as he noticed the Wal-Mart bag lying beside him. "Quick, where can I hide it?! Oh no, there's nowhere! I'm... I'm gonna have to eat it!"

Letting out a fierce brigand screech, he opened his mouth wide, and downed the plastic bag in a matter of seconds, his bestial teeth tearing through it, before the messenger arrived. "Hey, what's going on?" Batta said, in the most collected voice he could manage to talk in. "I'm just trying on this new shirt that I didn't buy at Wal-Mart! What's going on with you?"

"I have news for you, sir", the brigand reported. "Lyn is getting closer to Caelin, and now Lundgren is hunting her too!"

"Lundgren? Who's that?"

"Oh, he's going to be taking over as the main antagonist of the story now, sir. So I guess we can just take a break now, and see how things play out. All the other named brigands, besides you are dead anyway, so it's not like we had much left to do."

"What?!" Batta snarled. "Replace ME, as the main antagonist, after all the work I put in, after I even bought a new shirt for the occasion?! This Lundgren faggot thinks he can just waltz in and steal the show?! No way! I'm going to put a stop to this immediately!"

"What are you going to do?"

"...I'll show you."

The brigand stood back, in a combination of fear and awe, as Batta took out an Ocean Seal, combining its mystic power with his own, already formidable might.

"Batta the Beast is no more", said the changed man, his voice more serious and focused now. "Enter... Batta the Berserker!"

Meanwhile, back in Araphen, things were playing out pretty much exactly as expected. Lyn had already shot the cuck archer in the balls like five times, while Dorcas made quick work of the rest of the Araphen soldiers, under Reinhardt's expert guidance. They made their way into the Marquess's solid gold palace, but by the time they found him, he had already been taken away by the FBI for child trafficking or something.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Caelin**

Hours after Lyn and her party had sacked Araphen, Batta and the remnants of his bandit gang arrived to find the city already looted and destroyed.

"Lundgren..." Batta growled, his hands tensing around the hilt of his axe, as his breathing got heavier.

"No, this was most likely the work of Lyn and Reinhardt", one of the brigands told him.

"LUNDGREN!" Batta roared, his newfound Berserker rage leading him to charge through the city, as he called out the name of the hated usurper. He had been like this, almost ever since using the Ocean Seal. Perhaps he just needed time to adapt to his new class, or perhaps he just needed to eat a Snickers. Only time would tell.

Before long, a Knight intercepted their group. "Excuse me, gentlemen, but you can't be here", he told the Brigands.

"Oh yeah, and who are you?" asked the brigand who seemed to be functioning as the group's speaker, now that their leader was consumed by berserker rage.

"My name is Bool, good sir. I was supposed to be the level boss on the last chapter, but I guess they really wanted to make fun of Rath and his green bow instead, so my part kind of got skipped over."

"Bool?" asked the brigand. "More like, uh... Faggot! Haha yeah, I got him! I got him good!"

The other brigands stared at him blankly, as crickets began chirping. "We really need Batta to turn back to normal soon, so we can actually stand a chance in these verbal exchanges."

"Yes, about that", Bool told them. "We're not really doing the whole Brigand thing anymore. You gentleman are, how do I put it... earlygame enemies. I heard they're doing auditions for disposable earlygame fodder over in Fodlan, so maybe you could go and apply there? Now, I must be off. Perhaps Lord Lundgren can find a role for me in this chapter. I'm not expecting as big of a story role as Zugu or Carjiga or anything, but maybe I can get in a memorable line or..."

"LUNDGREN!" Batta screamed. "LUNDGREN! LUNDGREN! LUNDGREN!" All of a sudden, he reached out, his powerful Berserker hand cupping around Bool's head. "LUNDGREN! LUNDGREN LUNDGREN!" he roared, before crushing the Knight's head like a grape.

Meanwhile, the object of Batta's rage was making his way back to Caelin, in order to warn his brother that he had failed to gain Araphen's support. King Hausen, the ruler of Caelin was currently snorting cocaine, with two of his generals, Yogi and Eagler.

"Yogi, it has come to my attention that snorting cocaine off of a hooker's ass like this is not behaviour fit for a king", Hausen told his general. "No, a king should be snorting cocaine off a solid gold ass! Raise the taxes again!"

"Already done, sir", Yogi reported, with a proud smile. "Now the disgusting fucking poor people are being taxed 110% of their earnings! You will have all the solid gold things you could possibly want."

"Very good, Yogi. And Eagler, I trust that you have been doing a good job training the men."

"Yes, Your Majesty", Eagler confirmed, as he did another line of coke. "I gave them a briefing on just how to smoke out all of those damn endangered species you love to fill your royal banquets with, so much. After that, we are going to give the Thought Police more psychic training, so they can identify criminals, before they even act on anything."

"Excellent work! You two are my finest generals. And as thanks for your good service, I permit the both of you to abduct anyone in all of Caelin, to use as your personal sex slave!"

All of a sudden, a messenger came in. "Sorry to interrupt such important business, King Hausen, but we just received word that your brother will be coming back to see you soon."

"Oh shit, that fucking retard is coming back?" Hausen said, with a slight look of concern. "Quick, uh... hide all the cocaine and hookers and pretend we're just doing good, honest stuff, until he leaves again. That retarded fuck and his loyalty are the only reasons this kingdom hasn't come crashing down yet."

The room was cleared, and Lundgren was shown in.

"Greetings, faggot... uh, I mean brother!" Hausen said, with the two lackeys surpressing smirks. "I hear you've been taking care of really important business, eh? Going to Araphen, man, I bet that was real fruitful, and not just an excuse to get you to fuck off for a bit. They were always known for their generosity, right?"

"Uh, actually no. The Marquess didn't seem to want to help us, but it doesn't matter anyway, since your granddaughter already layed waste to his entire army, along with the city, which she looted clean."

"Oh no, that's... awful", Hausen said, barely able to hide his sarcasm. "Our greatest ally too, man, that bites!

"Anyway, I came to warn you that she is on the way, likely intending to illegitimately seize control of Caelin."

"Well, I'm sure things are in capable hands, right? You're going to handle it, aren't you Lundgren?"

"Of course, brother. I know how hard you work to keep this kingdom prosperous, so it's the least I could do, to deter any threats to your life."

"Great. Now could you fuck off... I mean, be on your way. I have a lot of important kingly business to attend to.

After Lundgren had left, Hausen took out his phonebook. "Seems like the doctors were wrong about my daughter, after all. Obviously, she's a chip off the old block. Which means, I'd expect her to run rings around a halfwit like Lundgren. Better call some hitmen to have her taken care of, before she gets anywhere near here." He began dialing a number. "Hello, is this the Black Fang? Yes, I'd like to call a hitman to clobber that there Lyn! Great! And how long before my hitman arrives? 45 minutes, or I get a full refund? Perfect!"


End file.
